One of my earliest memories is of crouching beneath my Nonna’s kitchen table with my cousin as a storm hit the house. Lightning had come in through the kitchen window and hit the stove and it was alight. My cousin was screaming. I held her hand tightly and told her it would all be ok.
When I was around 27 I went through a quarter life crisis. I didn’t quite like the path I was on and so I changed things up. Went back to study, focused for the first time in years on what I wanted to do and I got there. I achieved what I wanted, worked hard and it saw me head down a path, towards teaching, that surprised me but I enjoyed. The key things being – I kind of knew, I worked hard and I left myself open to opportunity. I made some dumb mistakes along the way. Things I wouldn’t do again. But heck they’re the best kind of mistakes.
Now, at almost 40 I feel the ground being unsteady beneath me again. I need to make some decisions about where to from here. There are two big differences now – I am a Mama and I don’t have a fixed idea of what I want next for myself. I was discussing this with my favourite girl recently and she said I should look for the recurring themes of what I have loved always. For me, it is always books and words. How this can be something I centre my work life around I am as yet unsure.
I’m reading Barracuda by Christos Tsolkias at the moment. It’s an uncomfortable read but beautiful at the same time. I can identify with much in spite of not having much in common with Dan/Danny. I can feel the need to shed skin, move beyond what has been, let go of what might have been.
I was walking with my boys the other day and my Mr 5 randomly said, “I am going to let you sleep in on Mother’s Day Mum. Mother’s Day is about thinking about what your Mum would like.” When I asked him what he knows I like he said, “You like sleeping, you love your family, butterflies, pretty China and books.” A simple response but one that shows he has thought about me and observed me.
I see (only a few) people who are clearly living their proper lives, the ones they were intended for and I feel far from there.
In some ways I trust all will be as it should one day. In more ways I know that it takes hard work to create the life I want. And in more again I wish I bloody well knew what that life looked like already.
In the meantime, I will remain open to possibility, consider much and try not to drive myself too crazy because I don’t have the answers. And I will remember I have a family I love and that I am not afraid of storms.